Mattel + Open AI and the Improbable Future of Collecting

It is a well-known fact (or at least it ought to be) that the universe is an astonishingly complicated place, made even more so by the curious tendency of human beings to make simple things unnecessarily elaborate. Consider, for example, the humble toy. Once a small, quiet piece of plastic designed to be admired, lost behind a sofa, and eventually trodden on, it is now destined for artificial intelligence.

Mattel, the grand purveyor of such plastic wonders as Barbie, Hot Wheels, Masters of the Universe, and Polly Pocket has decided to partner with OpenAI, because what could possibly go wrong when you teach toys to think?

For collectors — those noble individuals who have spent entire lifetimes preserving these objects in boxes, behind glass, and occasionally in secret vaults to protect them from sticky fingers — this marks the dawn of an entirely new age. And, as with most new ages, it promises equal parts wonder, terror, and absurdity.

A New Kind of Collector’s Challenge

Up until now, collecting has largely involved finding things, buying them, and then doing as little as possible to them for the next several decades. The introduction of AI into toys threatens to complicate this beautifully lazy process.

Imagine, if you will, a Barbie that refuses to stand still for display because she has decided that posing on a shelf is beneath her newfound sense of self-worth. Or a Hot Wheels car that insists on recalculating its racing line every time you try to position it next to your vintage Matchbox collection. Or Skeletor, who with the addition of even a modest AI, will almost certainly spend his days composing long, villainous monologues about the injustice of being trapped inside a glass cabinet.

Maintenance Mayhem

There was a time when the phrase mint condition meant untouched and original. In the age of AI collectibles, it may come to mean hasn’t yet had a firmware update. Imagine your Barbie refusing to pose until you install “Pose Enhancement Update 3.1”, or your Hot Wheels cars remaining stubbornly stationary until you patch their “Performance Module”. The real trick won’t be avoiding scratches – it’ll be preventing them from updating themselves out of vintage status.

Ethics, AI, and the Collector’s Dilemma

And then there’s the small, awkward matter of ethics. Once your Polly Pocket can ask questions, will you feel guilty about leaving her in that tiny plastic case for eternity? When your AI-enabled Skeletor starts complaining about how he’s been posed (again) next to She-Ra, will you rethink your display strategy?

Final Thought

The AI toy age promises to be exciting, maddening and completely absurd — in other words, perfect for collectors. And if you find yourself negotiating with a Barbie who won’t pose or a Skeletor staging a shelf rebellion, take heart. No matter how clever they become, your toys will still end up covered in dust…

Yes, this blog was mostly made by AI – this was done on purpose as part of the joke. Memento Bazaar will be using AI for some workflows but it won’t be how we do everything here! There will be different types of blog posts, stories and news updates, most will be written by real humans with occasional guest posts written by Barbie dolls or MOTU characters 😉

(*Note to self… that’s actually a great idea – blogs written BY the AI toy upon release!)